What is the true meaning of friendship?

I admit to being a Facebook fan.  I don’t think I’ve reached the addictive stage but I do love the connections and the inspirational postings and the news from friends old and new.  I love the opportunity to connect on a daily basis and to check up on what is gong on easily and quickly with those who are far away.

I now have a few hundred friends on Facebook.  I know that on one level I can’t really say that they are all friends in the sense that I know and have spent time with them.  I don’t know their circumstances or their families or their experiences.  However, I do count them as acquaintances, I do care about the ups and downs of their lives and I do try to be supportive when I see a need.

One of the features of Facebook I am most grateful for is the birthday reminders.  Keeping track of even my close family members’ birthdays has always been a challenge for me and to be reminded is a blessing.

The other day, however, I realized that as far as acknowledging birthdays on Facebook and responding to its reminders goes I was, without consciously thinking about it, displaying a behavior that left me uncomfortable.  I was only selectively wishing people Happy Birthday using some vague criteria of how well I thought I knew them that was based not much in fact but more in how I was feeling that day at that time.  I was ignoring a whole bunch of birthdays because, well, they weren’t really my friends were they?  They were just Facebook connections and therefore I was not obliged to wish them many happy returns.

What?

Where did that come from?  What if just one of those people didn’t get a single message on their birthday?  What if I could have changed that by just typing two simple words?  It doesn’t take much of an effort to check the birthday reminders every day and type in a greeting.  I know it brings a smile to my face when I get those good wishes so I am sure it works that way with others too.

From that moment I changed my behavior.  Now the first thing I do when I get on Facebook every day is check the birthdays and send out greetings, whether I know the person well or not.  More often than not, later in the day, I get a Thank You back and I know that I have contributed just a little to someone’s good day.

I began to think that the idea that Facebook friends are not true friends is only the result of thinking that my friends deserve a better kind of treatment than everyone else I meet.  Oh boy, that realization gave me the shudders!

Why would I have two standards of treatment for people just because I know some and don’t yet know others?  That doesn’t now seem to make much sense.

What if we all treated everyone we meet as a true friend?  What if we give them the attention and love we give to our friends and family?  What kind of a place would the world be if we all followed that philosophy and performed those actions?  I wouldn’t mind betting that it would be a far better place than it is now.

Old habits die hard as they say and changing my behavior around others is a challenge but I believe it is worth the effort.  I’ve made a start by wishing everyone a Happy Birthday on Facebook not just those I know well.  

In my neighborhood, most people smile and wave as they drive by each other.  If they are walking they say good morning.  I love that!  As a result we have a friendly community where people support one another and offer help in time of  need.

Treating everyone as if they matter (because they do!) yields wonderful results not just on birthdays but everyday.  Try it!

How many threads are enough?

I love a well made bed……crisp, smooth sheets, a warm blanket and a pretty bedspread and I am a serene Sleeping Beauty!

We recently moved to a new home and the first room we painted and finished was our bedroom.  How nice to have at least one room that is complete and relaxing to go to while the rest of the house is in chaos.

I finished off the decorating with new sheets, blanket and spread for the bed in matching tones.  I was pleased with the finished effect and content with my choices until………..

One day I logged on to Facebook and scrolled down my newsfeed.  Fun and interesting comments from friends.  Photos of new babies and kittens.  Recipes and news from around the world. 

And an ad for sheets……….

“Luxurious Egyptian cotton sheets,” it said, “1000 thread count.”

What?  1000 threads?  How is that possible?  I thought mine were pretty amazing at 500 threads.  Now you mean I could have got 1000 thread sheets?  Why did I not know?  How can this be?

I am kidding of course.  I no more want 1000 thread sheets than I want gold thread embroidery on the pillow cases but the ad gave me a moment of reflection.

A few years ago I don’t think I knew anything about what is now called “thread count” for sheets.  I just bought sheets because they were the right size and I liked the color.  Then I became aware……..there were sheets with a 200 thread count.  No, wait, I could get 300 and 400 and 500 and even 600 count ones.  More must be better right?

I must admit, I could tell the difference between 200 and 400 thread count sheets but above that…….not so much.  They all felt pretty good to me.  So is it really necessary to have 1000 thread sheets?

Then I realized that sometimes I can get into “thread counting” my own life.  If I need something and I am fortunate enough to get it, will more of it make me happy?  If I eat one square of chocolate and it gives me a good feeling, will I feel ecstatic if I eat the whole bar?  Will one new dress do the trick or must I have three?

Of course, the ultimate issue for thinking this way is around money.  More is always better right?  It will make me happy.  It will bring me peace.  It will solve all my problems.  Well…….maybe.

There is no doubt that having enough money does bring peace of mind but observing the drama-filled lives of the rich and famous illustrates that more doesn’t always bring happiness.

Counting the threads in my life gets me deep into the details of what I don’t have which leads me to obsession and, ultimately, depression.  It obscures the bigger picture and gives me a false impression of how my life really is.  I begin to see only what I don’t have and move away from appreciating what I have.

Years ago I was introduced to the concept of gratitude, of looking around in the moment to find things in my life to be grateful for.  At first, I thought this was an impossible task.  At the time my life was a mess and I was miserable.  I didn’t think I had anything to be grateful for.  I was counting threads and there weren’t very many.  I was, I thought, only living a 10 thread count life.

Then I learned that I could be grateful for the things I had in life that I had always taken for granted.  Things like the clothes on my back, the food in my fridge, the flowers outside and the sun or even the rain.  I could begin with whatever was in front of me……my morning cup of tea, birds singing outside, a quiet moment to myself before the start of a busy day and build on the list as I went along.

Being grateful for these everyday blessings is truly the way to count the threads of my life.  In doing this I discover that I have many wonderful, even golden, threads that make up each day.  New people, new experiences, new ideas and realizations can all be added to my gratitude list as well as appreciation for what I already have.

I don’t need more and more of anything to make me happy and I certainly don’t need 1000 thread sheets,………my 500 count ones will do nicely. 

Now all that remains is to convince myself that this theory applies to shoes…………

A Place in the Shade

We moved to Arizona a few months ago.  Boy it’s hot down here!  Actually I knew that as I had lived here before but I had forgotten just how intense it gets and how it feels.  You never really get used to it but you do learn some ways to live with it and how to readjust your priorities to maintain your “cool”….so to speak

One part of life that becomes a concern is driving.  A car with good air conditioning is a must.  When I lived here before I spent two whole summers without it.  I don’t know how I survived but I did.  I drank many huge “Gulp” drinks a day and said lots of prayers for green lights so I didn’t have to sit in the sweltering heat waiting for them to change.  This time around I am SO grateful to have a car with good A/C.

A related concern is parking.  When you get back in your car that has been parked in the sun for a hour or more and the thermometer reads 120 degrees plus, you know there will be an uncomfortable delay until the A/C gets going enough to bring it down to a tolerable level.

So it becomes very important to grab a piece of shade for your car whenever you can.  That makes searching for that shade a top priority when you enter a parking lot or need a place on the street.

When I go to the gym, there is a line of trees in the parking lot that provide shade for about 5 parking places.  I always, of course, head for one.  The other morning when I arrived, all 5 spaces had orange cones in front of them as a crew trimmed the trees and dropped the branches on the ground.  I was outraged!  How dare they take my place in the shade!

I drove to the other side of the lot and parked under another tree that didn’t give quite as much shade and required me to walk twice as far.  I was going to work out for heavens sake, so why was I annoyed at having to walk farther?

Having a place in the shade is obviously important in an intensely hot location such as the Valley of the Sun but I got to thinking about how it might also be important to have “a place in the shade” in everyday life.  So what do I mean by “a place in the shade”?

I mean that it is important for us all to have a place to relax, to wind down, to just be,  a place that shades us from the harshness of life.  This may be a physical place out in our backyard or on a patio.  It may be a corner of the bedroom or a room of our own.  It maybe a favorite park bench or a rock on a nature trail.  It may be the front porch or the back porch or, as was the case for my teenage stepdaughter, the roof!

These places provide us with the shade of peace, a loving shadow that falls over us when we are in them.  We feel it as if it were a soft blanket and it brings us that feeling of “ahhh” as our bodies and minds relax and become still.  These are sacred places in the middle of our busy lives and we need to treasure them and visit them often.

What happens however, if we cannot get to these favorite “places in the shade”?  What if we are stuck at our job or at a traffic light in the heat or in some other seemingly inhospitable place? 

Then comes the challenge.  How to find that relief, that peace, that feeling of comfort without being physically in the place? 

For me the answer comes by using the magical, imaginative qualities of my mind.  Our minds are wonderful things!  They enable us to be in places when we are not physically there.  They help us to experience what we would experience if we were there.  They can lead us to peace and comfort when all around us is busy or even chaotic.

So next time you are craving your “place in the shade” remember that you can go there in your mind.  Close your eyes (not if you are driving!), picture your favorite place, remember what it looks like, what it feels like.  Take a deep breath and experience that place as if you were there.  You will feel your body relax.  It is happy to go along with the fantasy!

In your mind, you don’t have to go driving around the parking lot looking for a shady place as I did.  Your “place in the shade” is as close as your next thought.

Being done....

For most of my life I had long hair.  As a small child I hated the hairdressers and eventually my mother gave in to my insistent pleas to grow my locks even though it meant uncomfortable mornings before school untangling and braiding my thick, wavy mane.  As I grew older I loved my long hair and, with only a couple of experiments with shorter styles, I kept it that way for over half a century.

Then one day, about five years ago, I woke up and knew with absolute certainty that my long hair days were over.  I was done.

I got up, dressed, got in my car and stopped off at the first “no appointment” hairdressers I could find.  I sat in the chair of the first hairdresser who could accommodate me and said “Cut it all off……short.”

She looked at me quizzically and asked “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely,” I said.

Twenty minutes later I left the salon with a haircut almost as short as the day I was born.  I drove home and put on a hat before I entered the house.  I stood before my husband and pulled off the hat with a great “ta da!”

He stared, gulped a little and then said the best thing he could have….”Wow, you look so much younger!”

My decision to cut my hair was an easy one.  In fact, it wasn’t a decision at all.  It was just something I knew I had to do with a certainty that stopped all hesitation or objection in its tracks.  The day before I had no thought of cutting my hair.  It wasn’t something I’d been thinking about or debating.  It wasn’t something I had consulted others over or agonized about.  When I went to bed that night I had no idea I was going to wake up knowing my days of long tresses were over.  It wasn’t a decision so much as an instruction.  “You are done with long hair,” it said, “Go get it cut.”

This incident isn’t the first time I have just known that I was done nor do I think it will be the last.  You have probably had this experience too.  Often we get to that point with difficult relationships or with difficult work situations or with uncomfortable shoes.  One day we just know we are done and we walk away.

But where do these messages of “doneness” come from?  And why do they happen with some situations and not with others?  Why do we hang on to some issues way past their sell by date and never seem to get to a place of being done?

I believe that this voice that says “You are done” comes from the place deep inside all of us that knows us intimately and speaks the truth.  It does this all the time but mostly we are too busy to hear or to listen.  Once in a while however, somehow a quiet gap opens up in our minds, perhaps in sleep or in a restful state, and that soft, small voice suddenly sounds loud and clear.  It’s messages are always simple…..DO this, DON’T do that, you are DONE …..so that we cannot not understand or mistake them.

We know we are done when the message comes almost out of the blue, when the issue has not been on our minds night and day, when we haven’t been wrangling the issue to death, when we haven’t been agonizing with others over it, when we don’t care a jot what others might think about it, when we are excited over the prospect of what we will do now we are done, when it just feels right.

If we doubt the decision, we are not done.  If we try to second guess the outcome, we are not done.  If we are anxious about what will replace it, we are not done.  If we fear what others might think about it, we are not done.  If we feel lost without it, we are not done.  If we have grief or feel bereft, we are not done.  If we feel as if we have lost the battle, we are not done.

Doneness is about absolute certainty.  It spells relief.  It engenders inner peace.

My doneness with my long hair may seem a trivial matter compared to the quitting of a job or the ending of a relationship but the confident voice inside doesn’t grade our issues.  Being done with a hairstyle is no different to it than ending a major phase of our lives.  It is all about assisting us to move on with peace and assurance leaving behind anything that doesn’t serve us anymore and opening us up to new possibilities.

That random hairdresser who cut off my long hair that day continued to cut my hair for the next five years.  She was a treasure, a total gift from the Universe, a wonderful byproduct of my listening to that voice that told me I was done.

So pay attention to that voice when it speaks loud and clear and know when you are done.  Who knows…..at the very least you could end up with a cute new haircut!

Stuck in a rut or taking a break?

Maybe it's Mercury retrograde or maybe I'm just going through a lazy streak, but just lately I've been stuck in a rut.  Of course, it's all of my own doing.  I put some things in place in my life which are very good for me.....daily meditation, working out but then.....I started using those activities as excuses for not doing other things.  Now I had to do them and I just didn't have time to do all those other things I meant to do  and promised to do such as.....write a blog!

I became really stuck in my own rut going back and forth between doing the things that are good for me and convincing myself that I didn't have time for anything else.  The healthy routine became an unhealthy burden.  I wasn't making progress.  I wasn't producing anything.  I didn't feel useful anymore.

I have learned however, that the best way to change my life is to change my attitude.  And the best way to change my attitude is to change my perspective so I thought, what if being stuck in a rut isn't the worst thing?  What if, sometimes, it is the best thing, in fact, the perfect thing?  What if I am exactly where I'm supposed to be doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing?

I love to play with words so the first thing I needed to do was to change the title of the current state of my life.  "Stuck in a rut" isn't an inspiring way to look at where I'm at.  How about "taking a break"?  Now that sounds better.  Now I can find some positives in my situation.

Taking a break means slowing down and I really need to do that sometimes.  Ever since I was a child I have had a tendency to rev myself up to high gear, especially when I am passionate about something.  Maybe however, it is possible to passionate and operate at a slower speed?  Now there's a thought!

Taking a break also means relaxing.  Now I am more receptive to the ideas and possibilities that the Universe has to offer.  Now I am more open to the messages coming through my intuition.  Now I can see that by slowing down and relaxing I can often make more progress than when I am rushing around trying to "achieve" and "do."

Taking a break also gives me a chance to see things more clearly.  When I am rushing I am also quite often confused.  The world flies by and I don't have time to take it in.  I miss the details.  I miss the beauty.  I have the illusion of being "in" the world but really I am running farther away from the moment and missing out on its relevance and its gifts.

Taking a break grounds me in the present.  Here I am a whole being.  My body, mind and spirit come together again and I am no longer fragmented, my body here, my mind out there and my connection to spirit all but invisible.

Yes, there are definitely advantages to taking a break, so I'm not labeling my current state as being "stuck in a rut" or "lazy" anymore.  Instead I am "taking a break" and enjoying the serenity of being in the present moment and coming back to my whole, true self.

In fact, I think I will make this my permanent state.  After all, in true paradoxical fashion, it actually got me unstuck and....produced this blog post!