I always pay close attention to what both myself and others
are saying…..the actual words and phrases we are emitting…..for I believe
strongly that they are clues not only to what is going on with us but also what
to do about it.
Just lately both I and my fellow planetmates seems to be
talking a lot about “struggles” and “struggling.” It is an old familiar line for me. For much of my life struggling was my default
state. I was always struggling with
something or someone or some situation.
It was exhausting and frustrating.
Eventually through a sequence of many small and large events
I came to understand that, when I heard the word “struggle” come out of my
mouth, it was a huge red flag and a signal that there was something I needed to
examine about my own attitude and something I needed to change in my own
behavior.
What are you struggling with today? Is it a situation that isn’t the way you want
it to be? Is it a person who isn’t doing
what you think they should be doing? Is
it some fear about something that hasn’t happened yet? Is it some event in the past that can never
change (nothing in the past ever can) but still haunts you? Do you feel as if there is no solution and no
way out of this struggle you are engaged in?
When I examined what was happening to me in my struggles, I
discovered some things that have helped me enormously ever since. I pass them on to you. Maybe you can add some of your own…..
First, if I am struggling I am engaging with someone or some situation. Engaging is an action that I am taking. It may feel as if I am drawn into the issue
as if by a magnet but in fact, this is not so.
At some point, I made a decision to engage even if I did it almost
automatically because it is what I have always done in similar situations.
If I have made a decision to engage, I can also make a
decision not to engage. Simple huh?
Simple but not easy. However,
awareness is the first step to changed behavior so just by becoming aware that
we have done it again and engaged with something that results in a struggle, we
have taken the first step towards changing our response next time.
Second, a struggle can only ensue if there are at least two
parties taking part in it. In fact, both
sides have to agree to struggle or
there cannot be a tussle. By entering
into this contract with the other person or situation we are agreeing to
struggle and voila!.......struggle ensues.
What if we were to not agree to the struggle? What if we were to see this as a contract to
be signed and decide not to sign it, not to be a party to the struggle? There would be no struggle.
Third, I have noticed that at least for me, struggle comes
with a physical manifestation. When I am
struggling, I tend to hold my breath and restrict my breathing. Struggling take energy and I get breathless
when I am struggling, even if it is only in my head.
If we focus on our breath and take deep breaths, regulating
and slowing down our respiratory and
heart rates struggle cannot continue.
Slow, deep breathing relates to peace and calm, not anxiety and
struggle. Using our breathing to detach
from the struggle is a practical way to stay out of the storm.
Lastly, struggling can be addictive. Some folks just seem to have to be always
struggling with something. Do you tend
to resolve one struggle only to pick up another one? How do you feel when you don’t have anything
or anyone to struggle with? Do you feel
lost or useless or don’t know what to do?
Any habitual behavior can become an addiction. We know we have crossed this line when we
feel panic or anxiety when the particular thing is not in our lives and we
reach instinctively for more. We cope
with addictions by recognizing that we have a problem and replacing the
behavior with more healthy actions.
It is not necessary to struggle through life. Of course we will have challenges and issues
to be resolved but engaging them in a wrestling match that ends up with us
exhausted and drained is not the way to deal with them.
I’d love to hear how you avoid struggle in your life and how
you disengage with issues that are out of your control or may just take time to
be resolved.
Let’s all quit engaging and vow to move through life
refusing those invitations to struggle.
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